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8/23

Two weeks ago, rumination struck me good in the heart.

Shaking.

Trembling.

Only the defeatist cry and thoughts and thoughts racing is all I could feel.

But with a grin, I dealt with the day.

Worsen.

I fought with you.

Worsen.

I needed to see you again.

But family comes first.

Worsen. Worsen. Worsen. Please, help me.

Tell me.

Hey Tell Me friend.

"Please tell me everything will be okay."

Please.

Please.

God, Please let her be here.

But I knew.

You weren't going to be there.

Thoughts racing again.

In an alternate universe where this never happened.

Where I was fine.

I was okay.

In an alternate universe where this still happened.

I was there.

Red eyes.

Drip drop my face despairing.

And crying.

And sniffling.

But you were there.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I need a hug."

And we hug.

In an alternate universe where this still happened.

We hug.

"What happened?"

And then I leave

In an alternate universe.

Unresolved.

Because at the time 

"You're not an outlier."

"I'm just a parasite."

And I still exist.

But you weren't there.

That day, I arrived.

Empty.

Empty.

It hurts.

Too sad.

Crying.

Biking unresolved.

Worsen.

Worsen.

Worsen.

Worsen.

Worsen.

I was tired and said to myself

"Just get through this, because you'll get over it."

And I did.

But.

I don't listen to me.

I don't want to.

Not even as a last resort.

.....

Yesterday 

Through that day

Where the distractions and despair 

Were gone

At least then

I had fun

I want to do this again

Please let's do this again

And we hugged

And then I remembered from back then

My knowing selfishness

And I didn't feel anything

Honest.

Parasites don't want what others want.

We're selfish.

I'm bringing everyone down.

I don't care.

I'm bringing them down.

I'm sorry. 

Sorry.

Can't stop.

Please.

"Someone" tell me

Everything

Everything will be okay for me.

I don't want to have these thoughts and feelings of mine

I don't want to be pathetic

I need a "someone"

Tell me please.

Destitute Clarity

Because without clarity, I would be in a state where everything and everyone has stopped.

Thinking to myself that I was pretty stupid that things will change on its own, handled itself.

Yet, I rely over and over again on the same foundation that things will be different this time.

Which means I would get the result from before, motivating me to become a lethargic being.

I had enough. Debate your fears. Answer the questions. Strive for the better, not the best.

Of life.

Without clarity, you can't see what's happening. It's absurd to live that way for a long time.

Absurd, but taking that long to realize that how my own foundation was flawed tired me.

Resulting an increase of loneliness, agonizing, crippling, a breakdown.

Everything seemed empty.

No response.

Time passes.

I forget and cope, that is my resolve.

I understand now, but it's not for the benefit for the well being of a person.

Rather, a soft reset.

The trade off for the declines of my mentality and how I feel gets erased on a psych approach,

I also lose the warmness of the people I care about in such instances that didn't reach memorable.

This conclusion is frightening, but even as I read this and dwell on the past:

Nothing.

Analyzing the past and what occurred back then, that's objective.

Wired to discard feelings of all sorts, only allowed to feel in the present.

What I'm afraid of most of all is going to happen.

"I'll lose myself."

But not with feelings, as I write objectively.

I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want everyone and everything to someday become meaningless.

That they're just facts and stories and instances and times and memories due to a wired standard.

I feel the absurdity of this developing way of thinking:

Yet, nothing. No plans to stop it.

So the least I can do is slow it down. 

Clarity, allows you to progress and regress, take action and feel helpless.

But worse of all, changes you.

Because you start to realize the new problems while forgetting the old.

Will it end? 

Is it possible, I can still strive for to end this crippling loneliness?

I hope so.

Towards those that I care about

And to you, the future.

Please check up on me.

At its core, I miss you and will miss you.

At least, that didn't go away.

So there's hope for me at the end.

Outdated Formula

You ask to hang out.
Then you're their friend.
Time passes.
You're now close as of
X number of years.
You start developing
A different type of love
For him.
It's not solely intimacy anymore.
You ask him out on a date.

Thing's are blank from there on out.

Never developed a relationship like that either.

But for him, it's lacking passion.

I don't want to depend on him either.

So it's like having an unofficial intimate and commitment spectrum of

Love's theory.

I'm stammering.

And fidgeting on my bed.

Hugging a pillow and for some reason.

Thinking it's you.

Yeah, I'm an idiot like you said.

Maybe, those are your type?

Why am I even having these thoughts?

Probably over thinking it.

And surely it's the passion.

That'll pass in a few months.

But.

As of now though.

Daydreams.

You.

Me.

Wouldn't be so bad.

It'd be cute.

Cause you're cool.

And cute.

Change

Well, things change in subtle ways.
Especially when you're about to meet with others
from a not so long ago past.
But hey,
that's a given for everyone pretty much.
I'm not exempt from something inevitable.
So of course change occurs.
Except, I think for this arc in my life
this year of beginnings like I mentioned before
well...
it doesn't feel like much has changed at all.
Just the subtle things.
I'm still lonely.
Still have that lingering something something that
everyone gets eventually.
I got it much sooner actually.
I'm not denying the pacing of this arc is rather dull.
Slow possibly?
Regardless.
I need to continue.
For my sake.
Not for "I suppose."
Because,
as much as I want to think of it as so,
I will go after that distant future.

Luv

Sure and yes, there are many different ways to handle love. You can feel it. Reject it. Cherish it. Resent it.

Especially resent it.

It's just my adrenaline fueled brain that maybe, maybe it's this type of love I'm feeling.

Cuz this type of love has strings attached.

And again, this is just one aspect of the entirety of this, this love.

But it's there. It's visible. You can't escape this love.

Brings you down while keeping you alive, allowing you to continue being You.

I don't want it.

 I don't want to get involved with an aspect of love that stirs the foundation I've created up until now.

Influenced me in such a manner that creates the opposite effect.

Of the giver's intent.

See, this type of love guarantees security and financial support.

Survive.

And live daily life

But can I really admit it?

I'm not sure myself, but I cannot return this aspect of love back to the ones who gave it to me.

I cannot reciprocate this aspect of love

That fills me with such disgust

That gives the me a horrible, horrible feeling

Of resentment.

I don't deserve it.

Actually, maybe I do

Because without their love, not just this love I disgust

But the entirety of it

They nurtured me with the entirety of this love

And I wouldn't be me

I wouldn't exist

So, yes

Yes, it's this type of love

With strings attached

At least, that's how it is, right?

So from time to time, the feelings with temporarily subside

With repressed truth

Or the disguised tone of my voice

I say:

"Love you too."

Penny

I have a beginning and an upcoming end I'd like to share.

I'm pretty sure it started between the months of November and December during my last year as a student. It was after school that's for sure. Evening time I believe, think 6 p.m where the end of the day sets and night emerges that gives off a sense of nostalgia every time I recall that fond memory.

We were hanging out for the first time, which was an extremely rare case for me. I was thankful for the discussions we've had together, enjoying the conservation that became evident of who I am and who you were through pleasant exchanges.

The past. The present. Ice breakers. What Ifs. Common experiences. You and I had nothing to talk about. So we talked about everything. That's how I see it, how we get to know each other and establish a basis of mutual understanding. 

At the end of that day, you gave me a penny. 

You said you found it and kept it because it was a really old penny. 1958-old. You were fascinated by that penny and then you handed it to me. To keep.

The gears in my head were turning, and I took it as a sign of the beginning of a new found established relationship. What I felt with such excited emotions that stirred my thought process with utmost positivity:

"Friendship." 

I was happy. 

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I'm tired. Sad that the end is coming up. I couldn't confront you about how I feel. An 8 page letter of the enjoyable experiences I've had the fondness of recording. Then 12 pages. 

No more.

I give up.

Because I've been deceiving myself with this "heighten" sense of what you saw in me that I thought showed, that you really were my friend.

It was forced though.

I've come to realize that this relationship we've established from back then, was forced. I could end it now, or let it die out naturally. I could never let it die out naturally. Because that's not how I wanted it to end.

If I could, I wanted to keep it going just a bit more longer. This forced friendship.

Only to be casting aside the guilt, regret, and again that forced aspect in our relationship that made me feel like I was drowning in lies, drowning in happiness that I genuinely believed that was what I wanted.

I could never get the full message to you directly. I need my confidence back.

So I'll start it with you.

I need to return the penny back to you. In a room with just us. From there, the branches of opportunities stirs my mind, but I'd like it if the events unfolded like this:

"Hey. Please accept this."

As I hold out the penny in front of you. And for a brief second, you looked confused.

"What's this?"

And then my heart sinks. But then,

"Why are you giving this back to me?"

A gear starts turning.

"So you do remember."

Is what I reassured to myself quietly. Gears start turning.

"It's just a penny. Don't over think it. Whatever history this penny has gone through, well it's just history. It's not something that could be carried along with you, like cherished memories you forever want to keep or scars that you want to forget and move on from."

I suppress the tears during that, with a nearly shattered facade, saying those harsh words without facing you.

"Give it to someone who you utmost care about."

Close to breaking down.

"Someone who makes you smile genuinely."

Almost there.

"Someone who fully appreciates your companionship."

Final words.

"Someone that's important to you that leaves strong significance in your life, and doing the same in his or hers."

...

Goodbye.

 I try my damnedest to not look back events unfolded after that, because this would be the new beginning for me.