Change

Well, things change in subtle ways.
Especially when you're about to meet with others
from a not so long ago past.
But hey,
that's a given for everyone pretty much.
I'm not exempt from something inevitable.
So of course change occurs.
Except, I think for this arc in my life
this year of beginnings like I mentioned before
well...
it doesn't feel like much has changed at all.
Just the subtle things.
I'm still lonely.
Still have that lingering something something that
everyone gets eventually.
I got it much sooner actually.
I'm not denying the pacing of this arc is rather dull.
Slow possibly?
Regardless.
I need to continue.
For my sake.
Not for "I suppose."
Because,
as much as I want to think of it as so,
I will go after that distant future.

Luv

Sure and yes, there are many different ways to handle love. You can feel it. Reject it. Cherish it. Resent it.

Especially resent it.

It's just my adrenaline fueled brain that maybe, maybe it's this type of love I'm feeling.

Cuz this type of love has strings attached.

And again, this is just one aspect of the entirety of this, this love.

But it's there. It's visible. You can't escape this love.

Brings you down while keeping you alive, allowing you to continue being You.

I don't want it.

 I don't want to get involved with an aspect of love that stirs the foundation I've created up until now.

Influenced me in such a manner that creates the opposite effect.

Of the giver's intent.

See, this type of love guarantees security and financial support.

Survive.

And live daily life

But can I really admit it?

I'm not sure myself, but I cannot return this aspect of love back to the ones who gave it to me.

I cannot reciprocate this aspect of love

That fills me with such disgust

That gives the me a horrible, horrible feeling

Of resentment.

I don't deserve it.

Actually, maybe I do

Because without their love, not just this love I disgust

But the entirety of it

They nurtured me with the entirety of this love

And I wouldn't be me

I wouldn't exist

So, yes

Yes, it's this type of love

With strings attached

At least, that's how it is, right?

So from time to time, the feelings with temporarily subside

With repressed truth

Or the disguised tone of my voice

I say:

"Love you too."