Outdated Formula

You ask to hang out.
Then you're their friend.
Time passes.
You're now close as of
X number of years.
You start developing
A different type of love
For him.
It's not solely intimacy anymore.
You ask him out on a date.

Thing's are blank from there on out.

Never developed a relationship like that either.

But for him, it's lacking passion.

I don't want to depend on him either.

So it's like having an unofficial intimate and commitment spectrum of

Love's theory.

I'm stammering.

And fidgeting on my bed.

Hugging a pillow and for some reason.

Thinking it's you.

Yeah, I'm an idiot like you said.

Maybe, those are your type?

Why am I even having these thoughts?

Probably over thinking it.

And surely it's the passion.

That'll pass in a few months.

But.

As of now though.

Daydreams.

You.

Me.

Wouldn't be so bad.

It'd be cute.

Cause you're cool.

And cute.

Change

Well, things change in subtle ways.
Especially when you're about to meet with others
from a not so long ago past.
But hey,
that's a given for everyone pretty much.
I'm not exempt from something inevitable.
So of course change occurs.
Except, I think for this arc in my life
this year of beginnings like I mentioned before
well...
it doesn't feel like much has changed at all.
Just the subtle things.
I'm still lonely.
Still have that lingering something something that
everyone gets eventually.
I got it much sooner actually.
I'm not denying the pacing of this arc is rather dull.
Slow possibly?
Regardless.
I need to continue.
For my sake.
Not for "I suppose."
Because,
as much as I want to think of it as so,
I will go after that distant future.

Luv

Sure and yes, there are many different ways to handle love. You can feel it. Reject it. Cherish it. Resent it.

Especially resent it.

It's just my adrenaline fueled brain that maybe, maybe it's this type of love I'm feeling.

Cuz this type of love has strings attached.

And again, this is just one aspect of the entirety of this, this love.

But it's there. It's visible. You can't escape this love.

Brings you down while keeping you alive, allowing you to continue being You.

I don't want it.

 I don't want to get involved with an aspect of love that stirs the foundation I've created up until now.

Influenced me in such a manner that creates the opposite effect.

Of the giver's intent.

See, this type of love guarantees security and financial support.

Survive.

And live daily life

But can I really admit it?

I'm not sure myself, but I cannot return this aspect of love back to the ones who gave it to me.

I cannot reciprocate this aspect of love

That fills me with such disgust

That gives the me a horrible, horrible feeling

Of resentment.

I don't deserve it.

Actually, maybe I do

Because without their love, not just this love I disgust

But the entirety of it

They nurtured me with the entirety of this love

And I wouldn't be me

I wouldn't exist

So, yes

Yes, it's this type of love

With strings attached

At least, that's how it is, right?

So from time to time, the feelings with temporarily subside

With repressed truth

Or the disguised tone of my voice

I say:

"Love you too."

Penny

I have a beginning and an upcoming end I'd like to share.

I'm pretty sure it started between the months of November and December during my last year as a student. It was after school that's for sure. Evening time I believe, think 6 p.m where the end of the day sets and night emerges that gives off a sense of nostalgia every time I recall that fond memory.

We were hanging out for the first time, which was an extremely rare case for me. I was thankful for the discussions we've had together, enjoying the conservation that became evident of who I am and who you were through pleasant exchanges.

The past. The present. Ice breakers. What Ifs. Common experiences. You and I had nothing to talk about. So we talked about everything. That's how I see it, how we get to know each other and establish a basis of mutual understanding. 

At the end of that day, you gave me a penny. 

You said you found it and kept it because it was a really old penny. 1958-old. You were fascinated by that penny and then you handed it to me. To keep.

The gears in my head were turning, and I took it as a sign of the beginning of a new found established relationship. What I felt with such excited emotions that stirred my thought process with utmost positivity:

"Friendship." 

I was happy. 

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I'm tired. Sad that the end is coming up. I couldn't confront you about how I feel. An 8 page letter of the enjoyable experiences I've had the fondness of recording. Then 12 pages. 

No more.

I give up.

Because I've been deceiving myself with this "heighten" sense of what you saw in me that I thought showed, that you really were my friend.

It was forced though.

I've come to realize that this relationship we've established from back then, was forced. I could end it now, or let it die out naturally. I could never let it die out naturally. Because that's not how I wanted it to end.

If I could, I wanted to keep it going just a bit more longer. This forced friendship.

Only to be casting aside the guilt, regret, and again that forced aspect in our relationship that made me feel like I was drowning in lies, drowning in happiness that I genuinely believed that was what I wanted.

I could never get the full message to you directly. I need my confidence back.

So I'll start it with you.

I need to return the penny back to you. In a room with just us. From there, the branches of opportunities stirs my mind, but I'd like it if the events unfolded like this:

"Hey. Please accept this."

As I hold out the penny in front of you. And for a brief second, you looked confused.

"What's this?"

And then my heart sinks. But then,

"Why are you giving this back to me?"

A gear starts turning.

"So you do remember."

Is what I reassured to myself quietly. Gears start turning.

"It's just a penny. Don't over think it. Whatever history this penny has gone through, well it's just history. It's not something that could be carried along with you, like cherished memories you forever want to keep or scars that you want to forget and move on from."

I suppress the tears during that, with a nearly shattered facade, saying those harsh words without facing you.

"Give it to someone who you utmost care about."

Close to breaking down.

"Someone who makes you smile genuinely."

Almost there.

"Someone who fully appreciates your companionship."

Final words.

"Someone that's important to you that leaves strong significance in your life, and doing the same in his or hers."

...

Goodbye.

 I try my damnedest to not look back events unfolded after that, because this would be the new beginning for me. 

I'm bad at ending it at "Goodbye"

I don't know, it's just lame how getting the word out no matter how right or wrong it feels to say it.
"Goodbye" is just postponing meeting you again another time.
Except when I say it, "Goodbye" is cutting off the relationship.
Doesn't matter who you are.
I want to get away, away from you and everyone I associate with.
There was no hope for me anyway in the west coast.
So I have to start over elsewhere.
Or else I won't be able to look past the idea of 1/5th of my life
Invested like that.
Not necessarily wasted, don't get me wrong.
I loved meeting you.
I liked the interactions I've had with you.
I had fun spending time with you and everyone else.
And I'm sick of it.
Because I can't relate to you.
Or him.
Or her.
Or them.
Anything.
"Just get away from me, pretend you don't know me."
Is what I scream with suppressed tears.
Without a "voice" that isn't the
Stoic person that I am
Because I'm not.
It's an act.
A facade.
I trust you enough to know that I'm doing this because
It's too late, so I accept this delusion I've created that
failed to fool you.
That deceived me.
Despairing of the hypocrisy that I've created for myself of
Forgetting the past and bringing it with me.
Because I gave up on myself.
And lost that confidence back then.
So closing this chapter of my life that was essentially
Just passing by with you
And them
I was so close to
"Cherishing" this year
So close.
Leaving it at a goodbye is appropriate, don't you think?
"I'll see you later."
I silently said
Goodbye.

Forced

Why are my conversations forced?
Is it because I'm too different?
Too jaded?
Too dense?
I just wanted to tell you
In the most casual friendly way
But my words are dry
And what lies in the superficial layer
Of a forced facade
Is what I failed to show
You
And how much you meant to
Me.
And the results never change
Because I don't know how
To "not" act
But to be okay
Requires something I discarded
Trying so desperately
Finding a reason
And obtaining it back
Forcefully.

Alone again

Those days when you
Just feel down for no
Apparent reason
Even though there is a
"Force" out there that you
Don't notice
Well
It's trying to tell you something
That you've been denying
A general truth that
You bitterly repressed
Because "she" said that
"You're not alone anymore."
And she was right.
Knowing she was right
Feeling that it's "too" right
To take as your own
Reality
And the events that followed after
Made her claim invalid
"Because I am alone."
And the events that followed after
"He" whose troubles
I can't get involved with
Because I revoked that mutual
"History" we had
These instances
Spirals downward in the inner
And outer depths of my
Being.
Alone.