Thank You

Another day
Of words not being shared
To one another
And then you made a joke
Because he was the enabler
Between  us three
Funny
He probably doesn't know
What's been "not" going on
With us
Or maybe you don't care
Because I was wrong again
Since I don't know you
Anymore
I'm always wrong
But
You did that again
The "formula" of
Bringing joy through your
Instruments
And I laughed
A sad laughter
Forced even
And you saw right through
A wall I have set up
Against you
And in the end
She gave me advice
To stop treating you
Different
Because you're important
To me
So I'll show you
This weird mask that
I always set up
To my circle of friends
Because you are
My friend.

I Fucked Up

Good Job. You planned to see the musical with her, then on the weekend you asked him if he wanted to hang out on the same day. Well, you didn't know anyway. That the day of the musical and the time of hanging out with him overlap, so you had to make an ultimatum. Do you feel the despair? Choosing between him, who you haven't talked to in over a month, and her, who you remember and left behind for 2 years?

Somehow through all this, you also have plans that you actively agreed to. You support her and her friend, so you wanted to hang with them too at the musical. But what about him? What about her? That's a lot on your plate, bro.

And you did all this for the sake of friendship.

Because it's

It's difficult
And too much effort
To open up
But
If I can be there
For you
Sympathize with you
Even make things more
Optimistic
Pessimistic
The best way to put it is
 "Feelings mutual"
I don't necessarily agree
With these feelings of mine
Or your feelings
After all
We're all strangers
 But when you're facing
 "Genuine"
 I'll give you my all.
So give me
Your trust.

Current Resolve 4/28/14

I can cast aside morales for merit.
Because that's all there is in the world. Without merit People won't see much in you. So you take action And make merit. There's all kinds of merit out there You gotta get the one That suits you best The ones you long for The ones you want for yourself. I guess the merit in that instance Was "Understand" merit.

So I hope

That this upcoming Friday after practice.
That I
I...
Can tell you.
So please.
Let's continue the friendship.
"You're important to me."
At least that much I need to say.
Hopefully.

There really wasn't any urgency

This morning again

A familiar routine

Right on time

When I was suppose to be doing

"That" because it's urgent

At least that's what they said

During that time of

Unpleasant exchanges of thoughts

And insight

That we both know

between me and them

Except I already knew 

Because

"I got it."

Even if it was hard

It's just 

For quite a long time I didn't act

Because I just wanted to get it over

and done with

Can't I move on?

"Nope!"

Is what I said to myself

With a tried grin

Still, there's plenty of time left

Although for that particular "urgency"

I say, a day's worth left

And a free response

"Too much isn't it?"

So I sighed.

4/23/14's Thought Process

"Hey, I need to tell you something."

"I've been a shitty friend to you."

"I'm sure you've noticed it already though."

"But...even so, even if I hold merit to you or not,"

"I wanted to let you know that I got your back."

[Pessimistic outcome]

"Now I know."

"...That's depressingly reassuring."

"However."

"It's my choice to be there for you, not because of how you feel."

[Questioning outcome]

"Many times, I would replay the same discussion in my head."

"Why are you even friends with him?"

"Can't you see he's busy? So don't bother him."

"What's so special about him that makes you put so much effort?"

"Don't you have any doubt being his friend?"

"I do have those doubts."

"But I can cast aside all these pessimistic thoughts, these doubts."

"Because I am your friend."

"And I want to continue being your friend."

What I wanted to say to you

"I need to tell you something."

Is what I thought

But then I get anxious

And couldn't find that opportunity

Because it's just me

Thinking that there's something still there

A faint hope

or a visible confusion

Even though time is almost up

An ending like that? 

No.

Even if the bridge is burned

We move on

But

I still wanted to let you know

How I felt

It's stupid because I'm worrying so much

Over thinking so much

Just like you said

Right?

"I've been a shitty friend to you."

But that wasn't the entire story

Because I thought you also

Gave up as well

There's no apologies

Because you're not at fault

At least we can agree on that

Even if you don't show it

I didn't show it either

The connection we had
 Is a concept that I

I

Wanted to understand.

"Even if I hold merit to you or not."

Because that's how it works

It makes sense to me

Did I lose that merit you saw in me

Back then?

I'm sorry.

But even so

"I got you back."

I can't let go of that fact

It's something that I

Can't let go

Letting go would deny

That history we've had together

Up until that point
So please don't think otherwise
At least for a moment
That you do know the end
Is approaching
But the merit you saw in me
Was cherished briefly
Right now
"I wanted to let you know that."