Penny

I have a beginning and an upcoming end I'd like to share.

I'm pretty sure it started between the months of November and December during my last year as a student. It was after school that's for sure. Evening time I believe, think 6 p.m where the end of the day sets and night emerges that gives off a sense of nostalgia every time I recall that fond memory.

We were hanging out for the first time, which was an extremely rare case for me. I was thankful for the discussions we've had together, enjoying the conservation that became evident of who I am and who you were through pleasant exchanges.

The past. The present. Ice breakers. What Ifs. Common experiences. You and I had nothing to talk about. So we talked about everything. That's how I see it, how we get to know each other and establish a basis of mutual understanding. 

At the end of that day, you gave me a penny. 

You said you found it and kept it because it was a really old penny. 1958-old. You were fascinated by that penny and then you handed it to me. To keep.

The gears in my head were turning, and I took it as a sign of the beginning of a new found established relationship. What I felt with such excited emotions that stirred my thought process with utmost positivity:

"Friendship." 

I was happy. 

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I'm tired. Sad that the end is coming up. I couldn't confront you about how I feel. An 8 page letter of the enjoyable experiences I've had the fondness of recording. Then 12 pages. 

No more.

I give up.

Because I've been deceiving myself with this "heighten" sense of what you saw in me that I thought showed, that you really were my friend.

It was forced though.

I've come to realize that this relationship we've established from back then, was forced. I could end it now, or let it die out naturally. I could never let it die out naturally. Because that's not how I wanted it to end.

If I could, I wanted to keep it going just a bit more longer. This forced friendship.

Only to be casting aside the guilt, regret, and again that forced aspect in our relationship that made me feel like I was drowning in lies, drowning in happiness that I genuinely believed that was what I wanted.

I could never get the full message to you directly. I need my confidence back.

So I'll start it with you.

I need to return the penny back to you. In a room with just us. From there, the branches of opportunities stirs my mind, but I'd like it if the events unfolded like this:

"Hey. Please accept this."

As I hold out the penny in front of you. And for a brief second, you looked confused.

"What's this?"

And then my heart sinks. But then,

"Why are you giving this back to me?"

A gear starts turning.

"So you do remember."

Is what I reassured to myself quietly. Gears start turning.

"It's just a penny. Don't over think it. Whatever history this penny has gone through, well it's just history. It's not something that could be carried along with you, like cherished memories you forever want to keep or scars that you want to forget and move on from."

I suppress the tears during that, with a nearly shattered facade, saying those harsh words without facing you.

"Give it to someone who you utmost care about."

Close to breaking down.

"Someone who makes you smile genuinely."

Almost there.

"Someone who fully appreciates your companionship."

Final words.

"Someone that's important to you that leaves strong significance in your life, and doing the same in his or hers."

...

Goodbye.

 I try my damnedest to not look back events unfolded after that, because this would be the new beginning for me. 

I'm bad at ending it at "Goodbye"

I don't know, it's just lame how getting the word out no matter how right or wrong it feels to say it.
"Goodbye" is just postponing meeting you again another time.
Except when I say it, "Goodbye" is cutting off the relationship.
Doesn't matter who you are.
I want to get away, away from you and everyone I associate with.
There was no hope for me anyway in the west coast.
So I have to start over elsewhere.
Or else I won't be able to look past the idea of 1/5th of my life
Invested like that.
Not necessarily wasted, don't get me wrong.
I loved meeting you.
I liked the interactions I've had with you.
I had fun spending time with you and everyone else.
And I'm sick of it.
Because I can't relate to you.
Or him.
Or her.
Or them.
Anything.
"Just get away from me, pretend you don't know me."
Is what I scream with suppressed tears.
Without a "voice" that isn't the
Stoic person that I am
Because I'm not.
It's an act.
A facade.
I trust you enough to know that I'm doing this because
It's too late, so I accept this delusion I've created that
failed to fool you.
That deceived me.
Despairing of the hypocrisy that I've created for myself of
Forgetting the past and bringing it with me.
Because I gave up on myself.
And lost that confidence back then.
So closing this chapter of my life that was essentially
Just passing by with you
And them
I was so close to
"Cherishing" this year
So close.
Leaving it at a goodbye is appropriate, don't you think?
"I'll see you later."
I silently said
Goodbye.

Forced

Why are my conversations forced?
Is it because I'm too different?
Too jaded?
Too dense?
I just wanted to tell you
In the most casual friendly way
But my words are dry
And what lies in the superficial layer
Of a forced facade
Is what I failed to show
You
And how much you meant to
Me.
And the results never change
Because I don't know how
To "not" act
But to be okay
Requires something I discarded
Trying so desperately
Finding a reason
And obtaining it back
Forcefully.

Alone again

Those days when you
Just feel down for no
Apparent reason
Even though there is a
"Force" out there that you
Don't notice
Well
It's trying to tell you something
That you've been denying
A general truth that
You bitterly repressed
Because "she" said that
"You're not alone anymore."
And she was right.
Knowing she was right
Feeling that it's "too" right
To take as your own
Reality
And the events that followed after
Made her claim invalid
"Because I am alone."
And the events that followed after
"He" whose troubles
I can't get involved with
Because I revoked that mutual
"History" we had
These instances
Spirals downward in the inner
And outer depths of my
Being.
Alone.

Cheer

"Cheer up." Is what I think to myself
And I sighed
Because that's all I can do.
"Be patient and take action."
I'm not involved
Or anything
So all I can do is be your support
In the back of your head that
You casually dismissed with
The worries
Thoughts
And feelings that I don't know
So, I shouldn't be involved
I don't have an answer for you
With these inaudible cheerings
Of mine that has no effect
No merit
But I cheer for you anyway
Because I think and feel so much
For you.
These social cues and social
Everything flies over
My dense figure of a person who
Just says what he needs to say
Saying that I
"Should leave it at that."
And take action
A choice
To cheer for you.
And I sigh again because you have
My attention that holds no merit
A bystander watching the scene
That unfolds
Into your story of the day
I want to remember as "History".
So I cheer.

5:30

A realization that I haven't put enough effort to approach you.

It's a dying friendship is my justification.


While choking down the history we've made.

Comparison

Somtimes
You need a
Side
By
Side
Comparison
To realize
Who you're friends with
With the friend you think
Are friends with
So maybe
All this work
And time for hanging outs
Coexist coincidentally
To tell me
"You know quite a bit of people"
My friend
And friends
They're just
Amazing.

I'm going to be a /fit/ fag

Starting tomorrow.
Also starting tomorrow evening is my first "hanging out" with friend(s) in a long time.

I just want tomorrow to be pleasant.