Destitute Clarity

Because without clarity, I would be in a state where everything and everyone has stopped.

Thinking to myself that I was pretty stupid that things will change on its own, handled itself.

Yet, I rely over and over again on the same foundation that things will be different this time.

Which means I would get the result from before, motivating me to become a lethargic being.

I had enough. Debate your fears. Answer the questions. Strive for the better, not the best.

Of life.

Without clarity, you can't see what's happening. It's absurd to live that way for a long time.

Absurd, but taking that long to realize that how my own foundation was flawed tired me.

Resulting an increase of loneliness, agonizing, crippling, a breakdown.

Everything seemed empty.

No response.

Time passes.

I forget and cope, that is my resolve.

I understand now, but it's not for the benefit for the well being of a person.

Rather, a soft reset.

The trade off for the declines of my mentality and how I feel gets erased on a psych approach,

I also lose the warmness of the people I care about in such instances that didn't reach memorable.

This conclusion is frightening, but even as I read this and dwell on the past:

Nothing.

Analyzing the past and what occurred back then, that's objective.

Wired to discard feelings of all sorts, only allowed to feel in the present.

What I'm afraid of most of all is going to happen.

"I'll lose myself."

But not with feelings, as I write objectively.

I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want everyone and everything to someday become meaningless.

That they're just facts and stories and instances and times and memories due to a wired standard.

I feel the absurdity of this developing way of thinking:

Yet, nothing. No plans to stop it.

So the least I can do is slow it down. 

Clarity, allows you to progress and regress, take action and feel helpless.

But worse of all, changes you.

Because you start to realize the new problems while forgetting the old.

Will it end? 

Is it possible, I can still strive for to end this crippling loneliness?

I hope so.

Towards those that I care about

And to you, the future.

Please check up on me.

At its core, I miss you and will miss you.

At least, that didn't go away.

So there's hope for me at the end.

Outdated Formula

You ask to hang out.
Then you're their friend.
Time passes.
You're now close as of
X number of years.
You start developing
A different type of love
For him.
It's not solely intimacy anymore.
You ask him out on a date.

Thing's are blank from there on out.

Never developed a relationship like that either.

But for him, it's lacking passion.

I don't want to depend on him either.

So it's like having an unofficial intimate and commitment spectrum of

Love's theory.

I'm stammering.

And fidgeting on my bed.

Hugging a pillow and for some reason.

Thinking it's you.

Yeah, I'm an idiot like you said.

Maybe, those are your type?

Why am I even having these thoughts?

Probably over thinking it.

And surely it's the passion.

That'll pass in a few months.

But.

As of now though.

Daydreams.

You.

Me.

Wouldn't be so bad.

It'd be cute.

Cause you're cool.

And cute.

Change

Well, things change in subtle ways.
Especially when you're about to meet with others
from a not so long ago past.
But hey,
that's a given for everyone pretty much.
I'm not exempt from something inevitable.
So of course change occurs.
Except, I think for this arc in my life
this year of beginnings like I mentioned before
well...
it doesn't feel like much has changed at all.
Just the subtle things.
I'm still lonely.
Still have that lingering something something that
everyone gets eventually.
I got it much sooner actually.
I'm not denying the pacing of this arc is rather dull.
Slow possibly?
Regardless.
I need to continue.
For my sake.
Not for "I suppose."
Because,
as much as I want to think of it as so,
I will go after that distant future.

Luv

Sure and yes, there are many different ways to handle love. You can feel it. Reject it. Cherish it. Resent it.

Especially resent it.

It's just my adrenaline fueled brain that maybe, maybe it's this type of love I'm feeling.

Cuz this type of love has strings attached.

And again, this is just one aspect of the entirety of this, this love.

But it's there. It's visible. You can't escape this love.

Brings you down while keeping you alive, allowing you to continue being You.

I don't want it.

 I don't want to get involved with an aspect of love that stirs the foundation I've created up until now.

Influenced me in such a manner that creates the opposite effect.

Of the giver's intent.

See, this type of love guarantees security and financial support.

Survive.

And live daily life

But can I really admit it?

I'm not sure myself, but I cannot return this aspect of love back to the ones who gave it to me.

I cannot reciprocate this aspect of love

That fills me with such disgust

That gives the me a horrible, horrible feeling

Of resentment.

I don't deserve it.

Actually, maybe I do

Because without their love, not just this love I disgust

But the entirety of it

They nurtured me with the entirety of this love

And I wouldn't be me

I wouldn't exist

So, yes

Yes, it's this type of love

With strings attached

At least, that's how it is, right?

So from time to time, the feelings with temporarily subside

With repressed truth

Or the disguised tone of my voice

I say:

"Love you too."

Penny

I have a beginning and an upcoming end I'd like to share.

I'm pretty sure it started between the months of November and December during my last year as a student. It was after school that's for sure. Evening time I believe, think 6 p.m where the end of the day sets and night emerges that gives off a sense of nostalgia every time I recall that fond memory.

We were hanging out for the first time, which was an extremely rare case for me. I was thankful for the discussions we've had together, enjoying the conservation that became evident of who I am and who you were through pleasant exchanges.

The past. The present. Ice breakers. What Ifs. Common experiences. You and I had nothing to talk about. So we talked about everything. That's how I see it, how we get to know each other and establish a basis of mutual understanding. 

At the end of that day, you gave me a penny. 

You said you found it and kept it because it was a really old penny. 1958-old. You were fascinated by that penny and then you handed it to me. To keep.

The gears in my head were turning, and I took it as a sign of the beginning of a new found established relationship. What I felt with such excited emotions that stirred my thought process with utmost positivity:

"Friendship." 

I was happy. 

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I'm tired. Sad that the end is coming up. I couldn't confront you about how I feel. An 8 page letter of the enjoyable experiences I've had the fondness of recording. Then 12 pages. 

No more.

I give up.

Because I've been deceiving myself with this "heighten" sense of what you saw in me that I thought showed, that you really were my friend.

It was forced though.

I've come to realize that this relationship we've established from back then, was forced. I could end it now, or let it die out naturally. I could never let it die out naturally. Because that's not how I wanted it to end.

If I could, I wanted to keep it going just a bit more longer. This forced friendship.

Only to be casting aside the guilt, regret, and again that forced aspect in our relationship that made me feel like I was drowning in lies, drowning in happiness that I genuinely believed that was what I wanted.

I could never get the full message to you directly. I need my confidence back.

So I'll start it with you.

I need to return the penny back to you. In a room with just us. From there, the branches of opportunities stirs my mind, but I'd like it if the events unfolded like this:

"Hey. Please accept this."

As I hold out the penny in front of you. And for a brief second, you looked confused.

"What's this?"

And then my heart sinks. But then,

"Why are you giving this back to me?"

A gear starts turning.

"So you do remember."

Is what I reassured to myself quietly. Gears start turning.

"It's just a penny. Don't over think it. Whatever history this penny has gone through, well it's just history. It's not something that could be carried along with you, like cherished memories you forever want to keep or scars that you want to forget and move on from."

I suppress the tears during that, with a nearly shattered facade, saying those harsh words without facing you.

"Give it to someone who you utmost care about."

Close to breaking down.

"Someone who makes you smile genuinely."

Almost there.

"Someone who fully appreciates your companionship."

Final words.

"Someone that's important to you that leaves strong significance in your life, and doing the same in his or hers."

...

Goodbye.

 I try my damnedest to not look back events unfolded after that, because this would be the new beginning for me. 

I'm bad at ending it at "Goodbye"

I don't know, it's just lame how getting the word out no matter how right or wrong it feels to say it.
"Goodbye" is just postponing meeting you again another time.
Except when I say it, "Goodbye" is cutting off the relationship.
Doesn't matter who you are.
I want to get away, away from you and everyone I associate with.
There was no hope for me anyway in the west coast.
So I have to start over elsewhere.
Or else I won't be able to look past the idea of 1/5th of my life
Invested like that.
Not necessarily wasted, don't get me wrong.
I loved meeting you.
I liked the interactions I've had with you.
I had fun spending time with you and everyone else.
And I'm sick of it.
Because I can't relate to you.
Or him.
Or her.
Or them.
Anything.
"Just get away from me, pretend you don't know me."
Is what I scream with suppressed tears.
Without a "voice" that isn't the
Stoic person that I am
Because I'm not.
It's an act.
A facade.
I trust you enough to know that I'm doing this because
It's too late, so I accept this delusion I've created that
failed to fool you.
That deceived me.
Despairing of the hypocrisy that I've created for myself of
Forgetting the past and bringing it with me.
Because I gave up on myself.
And lost that confidence back then.
So closing this chapter of my life that was essentially
Just passing by with you
And them
I was so close to
"Cherishing" this year
So close.
Leaving it at a goodbye is appropriate, don't you think?
"I'll see you later."
I silently said
Goodbye.

Forced

Why are my conversations forced?
Is it because I'm too different?
Too jaded?
Too dense?
I just wanted to tell you
In the most casual friendly way
But my words are dry
And what lies in the superficial layer
Of a forced facade
Is what I failed to show
You
And how much you meant to
Me.
And the results never change
Because I don't know how
To "not" act
But to be okay
Requires something I discarded
Trying so desperately
Finding a reason
And obtaining it back
Forcefully.

Alone again

Those days when you
Just feel down for no
Apparent reason
Even though there is a
"Force" out there that you
Don't notice
Well
It's trying to tell you something
That you've been denying
A general truth that
You bitterly repressed
Because "she" said that
"You're not alone anymore."
And she was right.
Knowing she was right
Feeling that it's "too" right
To take as your own
Reality
And the events that followed after
Made her claim invalid
"Because I am alone."
And the events that followed after
"He" whose troubles
I can't get involved with
Because I revoked that mutual
"History" we had
These instances
Spirals downward in the inner
And outer depths of my
Being.
Alone.

Cheer

"Cheer up." Is what I think to myself
And I sighed
Because that's all I can do.
"Be patient and take action."
I'm not involved
Or anything
So all I can do is be your support
In the back of your head that
You casually dismissed with
The worries
Thoughts
And feelings that I don't know
So, I shouldn't be involved
I don't have an answer for you
With these inaudible cheerings
Of mine that has no effect
No merit
But I cheer for you anyway
Because I think and feel so much
For you.
These social cues and social
Everything flies over
My dense figure of a person who
Just says what he needs to say
Saying that I
"Should leave it at that."
And take action
A choice
To cheer for you.
And I sigh again because you have
My attention that holds no merit
A bystander watching the scene
That unfolds
Into your story of the day
I want to remember as "History".
So I cheer.

5:30

A realization that I haven't put enough effort to approach you.

It's a dying friendship is my justification.


While choking down the history we've made.

Comparison

Somtimes
You need a
Side
By
Side
Comparison
To realize
Who you're friends with
With the friend you think
Are friends with
So maybe
All this work
And time for hanging outs
Coexist coincidentally
To tell me
"You know quite a bit of people"
My friend
And friends
They're just
Amazing.

I'm going to be a /fit/ fag

Starting tomorrow.
Also starting tomorrow evening is my first "hanging out" with friend(s) in a long time.

I just want tomorrow to be pleasant.

Thank You

Another day
Of words not being shared
To one another
And then you made a joke
Because he was the enabler
Between  us three
Funny
He probably doesn't know
What's been "not" going on
With us
Or maybe you don't care
Because I was wrong again
Since I don't know you
Anymore
I'm always wrong
But
You did that again
The "formula" of
Bringing joy through your
Instruments
And I laughed
A sad laughter
Forced even
And you saw right through
A wall I have set up
Against you
And in the end
She gave me advice
To stop treating you
Different
Because you're important
To me
So I'll show you
This weird mask that
I always set up
To my circle of friends
Because you are
My friend.

I Fucked Up

Good Job. You planned to see the musical with her, then on the weekend you asked him if he wanted to hang out on the same day. Well, you didn't know anyway. That the day of the musical and the time of hanging out with him overlap, so you had to make an ultimatum. Do you feel the despair? Choosing between him, who you haven't talked to in over a month, and her, who you remember and left behind for 2 years?

Somehow through all this, you also have plans that you actively agreed to. You support her and her friend, so you wanted to hang with them too at the musical. But what about him? What about her? That's a lot on your plate, bro.

And you did all this for the sake of friendship.

Because it's

It's difficult
And too much effort
To open up
But
If I can be there
For you
Sympathize with you
Even make things more
Optimistic
Pessimistic
The best way to put it is
 "Feelings mutual"
I don't necessarily agree
With these feelings of mine
Or your feelings
After all
We're all strangers
 But when you're facing
 "Genuine"
 I'll give you my all.
So give me
Your trust.

Current Resolve 4/28/14

I can cast aside morales for merit.
Because that's all there is in the world. Without merit People won't see much in you. So you take action And make merit. There's all kinds of merit out there You gotta get the one That suits you best The ones you long for The ones you want for yourself. I guess the merit in that instance Was "Understand" merit.

So I hope

That this upcoming Friday after practice.
That I
I...
Can tell you.
So please.
Let's continue the friendship.
"You're important to me."
At least that much I need to say.
Hopefully.

There really wasn't any urgency

This morning again

A familiar routine

Right on time

When I was suppose to be doing

"That" because it's urgent

At least that's what they said

During that time of

Unpleasant exchanges of thoughts

And insight

That we both know

between me and them

Except I already knew 

Because

"I got it."

Even if it was hard

It's just 

For quite a long time I didn't act

Because I just wanted to get it over

and done with

Can't I move on?

"Nope!"

Is what I said to myself

With a tried grin

Still, there's plenty of time left

Although for that particular "urgency"

I say, a day's worth left

And a free response

"Too much isn't it?"

So I sighed.

4/23/14's Thought Process

"Hey, I need to tell you something."

"I've been a shitty friend to you."

"I'm sure you've noticed it already though."

"But...even so, even if I hold merit to you or not,"

"I wanted to let you know that I got your back."

[Pessimistic outcome]

"Now I know."

"...That's depressingly reassuring."

"However."

"It's my choice to be there for you, not because of how you feel."

[Questioning outcome]

"Many times, I would replay the same discussion in my head."

"Why are you even friends with him?"

"Can't you see he's busy? So don't bother him."

"What's so special about him that makes you put so much effort?"

"Don't you have any doubt being his friend?"

"I do have those doubts."

"But I can cast aside all these pessimistic thoughts, these doubts."

"Because I am your friend."

"And I want to continue being your friend."

What I wanted to say to you

"I need to tell you something."

Is what I thought

But then I get anxious

And couldn't find that opportunity

Because it's just me

Thinking that there's something still there

A faint hope

or a visible confusion

Even though time is almost up

An ending like that? 

No.

Even if the bridge is burned

We move on

But

I still wanted to let you know

How I felt

It's stupid because I'm worrying so much

Over thinking so much

Just like you said

Right?

"I've been a shitty friend to you."

But that wasn't the entire story

Because I thought you also

Gave up as well

There's no apologies

Because you're not at fault

At least we can agree on that

Even if you don't show it

I didn't show it either

The connection we had
 Is a concept that I

I

Wanted to understand.

"Even if I hold merit to you or not."

Because that's how it works

It makes sense to me

Did I lose that merit you saw in me

Back then?

I'm sorry.

But even so

"I got you back."

I can't let go of that fact

It's something that I

Can't let go

Letting go would deny

That history we've had together

Up until that point
So please don't think otherwise
At least for a moment
That you do know the end
Is approaching
But the merit you saw in me
Was cherished briefly
Right now
"I wanted to let you know that."

FAQ

Who are you?
I am an 18 year old Filipino American (whitewashed) who thinks about a lot of things, mainly the concept of influences.

Why did you make a blog?
I've realized that holding in these thoughts and scraps of feelings of mine aren't good at this point. Might as well type them in this blog like it's my journal. Besides, if I ever revealed or discussed about myself personally in real life, I feel like it would've been emotional baggage for the recipient, and I just can't do that.

When will you stop this blog?
Until I've reached my goal.

The goal being?
Until I find "him". The special person who's your reason for living. Until I find that someone who reaches out to me and I feel comfortable enough to drop the entire emotional baggage I've stored for 7 years onto him, and if he's indifferent past the emotional moment and he will still be there for me, then I've achieved that goal. Because that right there, is a close friend.

Who is this "boy"?
Someone who was very important to me. He'll be mentioned A LOT in my entries.

What if you don't reach your goal?
I don't know. 

Why not seek a therapist?
It's a pride thing, as stupid as that sounds. I don't want to pay someone to listen to me, there's no genuineness in it, and I heavily emphasize genuineness in my life as both a social and judgmental factor. Part of me also thinks it's like a game, where I need to find "him" to win, to feel content in life, and seeking a therapist ruins that.

How are you going to format your journal?
I'll just write what I feel like writing. Sometimes it'll be like normal journal.

What if someone you know reads this blog?
Whatever, I'm bad at expressing myself, so at least you now know how I think and feel.

How often do you update?
At least once every two weeks.

Any final thoughts?
Don't think too much of my writing, because, well, it doesn't affect you personally. You have my O.K to make satire/fun of how edgy my entries are, or pitying me to world's end of how sad I sound, or maybe feel indifferent about my work all together. Just enjoy it.