Penny

I have a beginning and an upcoming end I'd like to share.

I'm pretty sure it started between the months of November and December during my last year as a student. It was after school that's for sure. Evening time I believe, think 6 p.m where the end of the day sets and night emerges that gives off a sense of nostalgia every time I recall that fond memory.

We were hanging out for the first time, which was an extremely rare case for me. I was thankful for the discussions we've had together, enjoying the conservation that became evident of who I am and who you were through pleasant exchanges.

The past. The present. Ice breakers. What Ifs. Common experiences. You and I had nothing to talk about. So we talked about everything. That's how I see it, how we get to know each other and establish a basis of mutual understanding. 

At the end of that day, you gave me a penny. 

You said you found it and kept it because it was a really old penny. 1958-old. You were fascinated by that penny and then you handed it to me. To keep.

The gears in my head were turning, and I took it as a sign of the beginning of a new found established relationship. What I felt with such excited emotions that stirred my thought process with utmost positivity:

"Friendship." 

I was happy. 

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I'm tired. Sad that the end is coming up. I couldn't confront you about how I feel. An 8 page letter of the enjoyable experiences I've had the fondness of recording. Then 12 pages. 

No more.

I give up.

Because I've been deceiving myself with this "heighten" sense of what you saw in me that I thought showed, that you really were my friend.

It was forced though.

I've come to realize that this relationship we've established from back then, was forced. I could end it now, or let it die out naturally. I could never let it die out naturally. Because that's not how I wanted it to end.

If I could, I wanted to keep it going just a bit more longer. This forced friendship.

Only to be casting aside the guilt, regret, and again that forced aspect in our relationship that made me feel like I was drowning in lies, drowning in happiness that I genuinely believed that was what I wanted.

I could never get the full message to you directly. I need my confidence back.

So I'll start it with you.

I need to return the penny back to you. In a room with just us. From there, the branches of opportunities stirs my mind, but I'd like it if the events unfolded like this:

"Hey. Please accept this."

As I hold out the penny in front of you. And for a brief second, you looked confused.

"What's this?"

And then my heart sinks. But then,

"Why are you giving this back to me?"

A gear starts turning.

"So you do remember."

Is what I reassured to myself quietly. Gears start turning.

"It's just a penny. Don't over think it. Whatever history this penny has gone through, well it's just history. It's not something that could be carried along with you, like cherished memories you forever want to keep or scars that you want to forget and move on from."

I suppress the tears during that, with a nearly shattered facade, saying those harsh words without facing you.

"Give it to someone who you utmost care about."

Close to breaking down.

"Someone who makes you smile genuinely."

Almost there.

"Someone who fully appreciates your companionship."

Final words.

"Someone that's important to you that leaves strong significance in your life, and doing the same in his or hers."

...

Goodbye.

 I try my damnedest to not look back events unfolded after that, because this would be the new beginning for me.